The Quite Possibly Most Random Thing You'll Ever Read
by ImaginaryParchment
Summary: Title pretty much explains it all. These are random stories for Hetalia that are hopefully funny - well, you'll just have to read and find out! Includes drunk Germany, resurrected America, and world-conquering Finland.
1. In Which Russia Conquers the World

**Disclaimer: As usual, I don't own Hetalia. :)**

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**WARNING: READ THIS BEFORE CONTINUING!**

**Basically, whatever's in this fic is just random stuff I wrote with my little brother. He's got a vivid imagination. :)**

**Also, updates will be sporadic. ;)**

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One day, Italy ate too much pasta.

Then, he blew up and Spock saw his remains float up into space.

Germany saw Italy blow up and so cried and got drunk with Prussia. But Prussia was actually America in disguise who assassinated him with his bow tie. "Haha!" cried America victoriously. "We've won WWII!"

After that, the world was thrown into chaos.

"Nooooooooo!"

America soon became a leading power in the chaos and led a campaign to take over Canada, Russia, and eventually China.

First he invaded Canada and won by threatening to destroy anything and everything related to pancakes, hockey, maple leaves, and polar bears.

Once he easily destroyed, rebuilt, and militarized Canada, he used Alaska and Vancouver to house a gigantic invasion force for Russia.

"Haha Russia! Prepare to be invaded! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!" America laughed evilly. "Then I will take China and Europe and you'll become my fifty-something states!"

But then, Russia calmly sent four billion missiles and a pick-axe to America's head.

"Nooooooooooo!" America cried. "Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!"

Then the missile hit him.

"Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo-!"

BOOM!

Instantly, he disintegrated and turned into a small pile of black dust.

Canada wept over his brother's ashes, sobbing, "I never did get to brag enough about the War of 1812! Woe is I!"

Some of the missiles got off course and turned Canada into another pile of dust. It turns out that only one missile actually hit America but the other 3,999,999,999 hit Canada.

"That sucks for them, aru," noted China. "I hope Russia doesn't hit me next, aru!"

Suddenly, he saw a small Russian plane. He was soon a pile of dust.

Germany stumbled around his country, drunk. "AUEBRURENEIFNEKSKBWODNFENIDBDJSORJFHDJDNCIEKAPQKEJFJFJWOEFJHEISISOAPARJKEIDBCHDYWUD!" he shouted.

Unfortunately, Russia didn't find his annoying shouts worthy of his mercy. Germany soon saw the same plane that hit China above his head, waiting for permission from Russia.

"AIEIFBFISKSHCOAKENDRJLSKWLD!" Germany shouted at the plane, bazooka and beer mug in hand. "AIRBFOWOSNFNFJENDNFHRJJRHF!"

Germany lazily stuffed his beer bottle into the bazooka but when he fired, the bazooka and the beer bottle exploded, killing Germany.

Russia's plane flew away and blew up Harry Styles and only Harry Styles, because no one cares about him. Then they killed Justin Bieber who was vacationing in Russia for the heck of it. This ingenious move made the remaining countries love Russia and gave him their lands.

And so Russia owned the world but was forced to marry Belarus.

Morale: Make sure Italy never eats too much pasta.

The End :)

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**You were warned! :)**

**Please review! My brother really wants to know your reactions. ;)**

**\- ImaginaryParchment**


	2. In Which America Dies But Is Resurrected

**Disclaimer: Don't own Hetalia!**

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**Again, I wrote these with my brother. So don't expect much sense. XD**

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One day, America shoved a burger down England's throat. "Your scones taste like petrified couch stuffing!" he shrieked. "Taste the beauty of American food!"

England loved the burger yet refused to admit it. "SCONES FTW!" he screamed, shoving a scone he had in his back pocket down America's throat.

America choked and died.

After realizing what he did, England built a bonfire and held a party for one. He eventually drank too much and his liver died, effectively killing him.

This all wasn't an accident. Romano was tactically planning all of this for he was the one who told America to try to make England like burgers.

Romano did an evil laugh. "Mwahahahahachigi!" he laughed evilly.

Suddenly, Italy burst through the door of Romano's evil lair and started pelting Romano with dried pasta clumps. Spain was right behind him, and had a barrel of rotten tomatoes, ready for launch.

Romano grabbed a bazooka loaded with a beer bottle and threatened to shoot. "I'm threatening to shoot!" he warned.

"No!" cried Spain, his hair blowing dramatically in the wind. "Stop, Roma! I love you!" He shoved a tomato into his tomato bazooka. "Just kidding!" And with that, a fat, juicy, worm-ridden, rotten tomato hit Romano straight in the face.

Roma was devastated because at the last possible moment, he screamed and got a fat, juicy, worm-ridden, rotten tomato into his mouth. Then he died.

"Nooooooooooo!" cried Italy. "What have-a we done?!"

"I killed Romano," said Spain.

"I-a know! We're-a gonna go to jail!"

Spain shrugged and ate a non-rotten tomato.

Then America came back from the dead and hanged both of them.

Morale: Don't let England kill America.

The End Because This Was Disturbing

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**Since the first story was such a success (sort of XD) I decided to post another one. Thank you to everyone who's read/reviewed! You guys are fabulous! ;)**

**Next story involves Sweden, Finland, and jelly donuts.**

**\- ImaginaryParchment**


	3. In Which Sweden Eats a Jelly Donut

**Disclaimer: I don't own Hetalia! :)**

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Sweden decided to try a donut. A jelly donut. But then Finland ate it, which made Sweden upset.

Sweden soon declared war on his former wife. He rode into battle upon a gigantic Hanatamago.

Finland rode into battle with full Santa Claus armor and a small flammable, wooden sled.

Sweden noticed it was flammable because he's an expert on wooden Scandinavian furniture. Apparently sleds count.

Noticing Sweden was holding a torch and had an artillery camp set up, Finland quickly built an aircraft carrier (out of Scandinavian furniture) to raid the artillery camp.

"FOR THE DONUT!" Sweden cried, ordering his army to fire flaming arrows at Finland's Scandinavian wood aircraft carrier. However, Finland's ship grew wings and flew away.

Suddenly, Finland spotted Norway mass producing the same jelly donut they were fighting for.

"ATTACK!" screamed Finland as he and his men parachuted out of the aircraft carrier. The Norwegian factory was soon cut off of the giant landmass and sunk in the icy Arctic water.

"DANG IT!" yelled Finland, suddenly angry. "I really wanted a jelly donut!" He stomped all over Norway. The land, not the guy.

Becoming annoyed by all the fuss, Russia sent a present to the Scandinavian countries. The present was a giant bottle of vodka. Finland was delighted for a second before he realized the bottle contained soap and a time bomb.

Sweden evilly chuckled because he was the one who told Russia to send the vodka soap bomb. "Revenge for my sweet donut," he crooned in a creepy voice.

Dark clouds spread over Europe as Sweden retrieved the jelly donut factory from the bottom of the sea, mass produced the donuts, and sold them for an outrageously high price.

Netherlands was sort of proud of Sweden, but was also disgusted that he had stolen his ingenious tactic for making money. He swiftly sent Sweden a gift.

This time, it was a barrel of pickled fish. There was no bomb. Just pickled fish. But it had a price attached, so it wasn't really a present. It also had a sales tax of over 12 billion Euros.

"Dang," thought Sweden. "Oh well. I made a $183,746,429,398,475,939,928,374,657,392,010,394,757,399,202,948,757,575,749,291,984,748,392.99 profit off the donuts. I guess I can afford the barrel of fish."

Then, an unknown investor suddenly bought a part of Sweden's company.

It was actually...Finland! OMG!

Finland bought half of Netherlands' fish company, three quarters of China's pastry incorporation, and a quarter of Russia's leading producer of vodka.

Finland soon grew to rule over all of the world after creating an army of Hetalia fangirls. Now that he had the supplies, he created the demand by unleashing his army upon all other pickled fish factories, pastry shops, and alcohol producers. Germany, Russia, and Spain were turned into giant factories to supply his army with enough food.

Moral: Make sure Finland does NOT eat Sweden's jelly donut.

(Too late!)

The End (of the world)

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**As always, these stories are pointless and should not be taken seriously.**

**Reviews are appreciated! Thanks to everyone who has reviewed, favorited, or followed. :)**

**Kudos to whoever caught the "Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows" reference. XD**

**\- ImaginaryParchment**


	4. In Which Russia is Maybe Nice

**OH MY GOSH I'M BACK?! D:**

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**Disclaimer: I do not own Hetalia. :)**

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One day, Russia decided to become a nice guy. This caused Latvia to panic/freakout, and he automatically fell into a coma. Russia was surprised by this but remembering he wanted to be nice, he slapped him so that he would wake up.

"AAHDHFHSJCHDKAKN-DOSKANSKDJAJSODJ-FHWKKDOFKKDKFJE-OSKHFJD!" Latvia screamed, channeling his inner Germany.

Then suddenly America burst in with one of Switzerland's guns while trying to shoot down a micro sized box of French fries. "DIE POTATO!" he yelled, running around, closely followed by a very angry Swiss.

Then, it started to rain. Russia thought it was wonderful so he threw his vodka soap bombs and used machine guns to violently wake up his "friends".

Lithuania ran down the stairs and threw a pink fluffy slipper at Russia.

"It is a beautiful day, da?" Russia asked. "I wanted to tell all you guys about it!"

Lithuania started crying. "The slipper was a gift from Feliks..."

Then Russia used his bazooka randomly hidden behind his back and shot the slipper.

"Dude, not cool!" America shouted as he continued running in circles around Russia, chasing the fries and being chased by the angry Swiss man.

"Kolkolkol," Russia chuckled.

Switzerland tackled America (finally), grabbed the shot gun, and shot Russia.

But Russia survived because he was wearing his bullet proof jacket. Just kidding - he survived because he was possessed by a demon bent on destroying the Baltics' happiness. Why? I don't know...

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Meanwhile, in England's house...

France told England that Russia was having a party and he needed a catering service. In actuality, this was France's evil plan to get England's house to blow up.

"That's jolly!" England chanted as he made a whole batch of burnt scones.

France gave an evil "Ohonhonhon~" before -

Finland crashed through the window on his Santa Clause sledge. "I CALL ON THE MAGIC OF CHRISTMAAAAAASSSSSSS!" he cried, using Mjolnir (he'd borrowed it from Norway) to blast lighting at the scones.

England and France started screaming and yelling, and France randomly stripped, shouting:

"CLOTHES ARE OVERRATED!"

Finland got really scared and ran away with Sweden.

England sighed and tossed France's pants at his face. "Now what?" he murmured forlornly, staring at the now completely ruined scones.

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Meanwhile, in Russia's house...

America punched Russia's big fat nose.

BAM! BOOM! EXPLOSION NOISE!

Lithuania continued sobbing over his lost slippers. "Wwhhyyyyyyyyyyyyy?" he wailed.

Then suddenly and abruptly, all of the counties left Russia's house and left Russia alone in his house.

Russia gave a maniacal laugh and - since he was possessed by a demon and all - teleported to England's house.

He bumped into a huge mountain of burnt scones, got lost, and met his untimely demise when he resorted to eating a scone.

France discovered the dead body on his way to the toilets.

He saw how terribly destructive those scones were and ordered England to mass produce them so that he would become the ruler of the world with his arsenal of scones.

England scowled. "You only want my scones so you can rule the world! What about me, eh?!"

France swept down on one knee and whipped out a ring. "Marry me, Angleterre! Together, we can rule the world!"

England began crying. "Of course I'll marry you, love!" He slipped the ring into his finger.

France tossed his hair and extended an arm. "Come with me, my darling!"

But then England sucker punched him in the face and blew a raspberry.

Then thousands of scones rained from the sky as the overwhelming assault of the most dangerous baked goods withered France away into a pile of dust.

England scattered his ashes into the wind before getting drunk and peeing into the River Thames.

He informed the Allies of the weapon and they locked the scones in a high security facility.

TO BE CONTINUED...

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**Don't ask. I'm still not sure what just happened.**

**\- ImaginaryParchment**


	5. In Which Indiana Jones References Emerge

**What have I done? :)**

**Remember, I don't own Hetalia. :D**

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_Continued_...

One day, Italy wandered into an old abandoned vault that could possibly contain weapons of extreme danger: England's scones. Italy thought the scones were cooking disgraces and he was determined to dispose of them by throwing globs of pasta on it.

But then a very drunk Germany stumbled into the vault and tackled Italy. He was still recovering from the bottle in a bazooka incident. "Hear me!" he roared. "For I am the Mighty Ludwig, of Germany! Surrender, pasta freak, or meet your doom!"

Then he stumbled down while loading another beer bottle into his bazooka and fell off a cliff. Underground. An underground cliff leading to the center of the Earth -

"Like Jules Verne!" France called out tragically, because he was a ghost.

"Why are you here, Big Brother France?" asked Italy, locating the country with his Ve-echolocation, or Vecholocation.

"It's a long story involving scones, Santa, and death mountains," France said as he floated away.

Italy nodded and went back to loading his pasta cannon.

When he reached the vault, he fired dried pasta clumps at the door. Despite all physics, aerodynamics, and gravitational rules, one of the pasta clumps hit the micro-sized lock and opened it using its pasta magic.

Inside the room the unassuming thick marble and gold door had been covering, lay a dark room. Within, a voice hissed: "Mother Russia is displeased..." Then out of nowhere, ghost Russia turned into a dragon who shot out firey vodka.

Poland immediately burst through a window that hadn't been there moments before (thanks to the Poland Rule) and whipped out a wicked fabulous sword.

Meanwhile, in the Allies conference room...

America was eating a disturbing pile of burgers while trying to talk to the Allies.

"Nomnomnom PASTA nomnomnom SCONES nomnomnom BURGERS!"

Then Finland burst into the room, panicked, and hit America with Mjolnir. This gave America amnesia.

"Guys!" Finland gasped, out of breath. "The Chamber of the Forbidden Scone has been infiltrated by none other than Italy!"

Romano burst into the room, followed closely by Spain. "WHAT HAS MY [CENSORED] BROTHER DONE THIS TIME?!"

England started sobbing. "Wait a tick!" he said between tears."Are you saying that that wimpy loser got himself into my high security facility with only pasta and that noodle brain he has?"

The ghost of France floated through the ceiling, wailing to the tune of a Christine Dion song. "Yesssssssssssss..."

Then he knocked England over a cliff and he too turned into a ghost.

America stumbled around, blindly stuffing burgers into his mouth. "Who am I? Who are you? Where am I? Where can I get more of these? Who's that? Why'd he shove that guy over a cliff?"

Meanwhile, in the vault...

Poland just defeated the dragon using his pinkish powers. "Like, die, dragon!" he cried, kicking the dragon's butt. "Yeah, that's totally right! Haha!"

Italy looked at the disgusting scone like how Indiana Jones did to the statue in the temple at the beginning of the first movie. Y'know, that one with the stuff? And that person? And some other crazy things?

He took out the bag of galleons he conveniently had in his pocket, and, with great precision, smashed that darn scone.

Suddenly, the vault started blowing up and rocks fell from the ceiling.

"Run!" cried Poland, forgetting Russia the Dragon. Then, they both tripped over a strategically placed rock and plummeted into a giant hole specifically made for trapping Italy.

England popped out of nowhere. "Haha! I've captured you, Italy!" he cackled.

Suddenly, he took out a scone and threatened to give it to him.

"Nooooooooooo!" Poland cried. "Resist the temptation, Italy!"

But then cliffhanger.

The End Because My Brother is a Lazy Butt

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**Right... :)**

**Sorry, but this is going on NaNoWriMo hiatus... :(**

**But... Why don't you go read some other fan fiction? :D Like frogandrabbitsox has some seriously amazing stuff, and so do FlamingOrangePhantomhive, Kiki Wolf Beilschmidt, and MadOwlNekoCat. Go check 'em out. :D I dare you! I double-dog dare you!**

**-ImaginaryParchment**


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